radio:ACTIVE

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.
--Rabbi Julius Gordon

For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
--Rainer Maria Rilke

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
--H.L. Mencken

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Another line from the heart. That's all this is. Another song for the radio.



I've been having a lot of thoughts lately on luck, love and life.

(Can you tell I'll be quoting my personal lyrical genius, Tom Fletcher of Mcfly, quite a bit?)



Luck.



Luck of the draw, in my opinion, is not true. There is no draw. Everything is laid out, in perfect order, from beginning to end. There is One who knows all and sees all; His omniptotence is irrefutable. We've been blessed with free will, but even when we make choices, even small ones, He knows ahead of time what the outcome will be. He won't give us more than we can handle. Mistakes happen. We break promises to ourselves, and to Him, and we get confused and run down and find ourselves very lost and very alone. The precipice that I'm standing on is the edge of 17, and a lot of things are changing and shifting in my life - things that most 17 year olds never have to deal with. I'm halfway through beauty school. I'm a high school graduate with a GPA of 4.798. I'm so independent but so afraid of silly things; so insecure but so sure of myself; so naive but still a bit too worldly. I don't have a best friend or a sister, so I'm alone in figuring out things that would be easier if I had someone by my side. Luck? What luck? I've got no such luck.



Love.



The heart never lies. True, so true; the heart is the epicenter of emotions and, I believe, intelligence. I have a friend who had her heart lead her astray...although, really, everything happens for a reason, and while it may seem like she's screwed now...I think she'll be ok. Every girl dreams about her wedding and about who her knight in shining armour is; a lot of girls get their dream-come-true wedding, too. But it's what happens after that counts. I like someone a lot more than I probably should let myself, but it's impossible to stop, so I go on liking him the way and do and hoping my heart doesn't get smashed. Isn't that what being young is about? Praying you don't get your heart smashed, praying no one squelches your dreams. Tricky, Tricky.

Life.

The odds and ends, the bits and pieces...everything gets woven together eventually. Music has always, always been my life. As far back as I can remember...it's been about music. About love. About writing. About movement and lyrics and thinking and dreaming and laughing. Music is all-encompassing; it's the lion and the lamb. Lately, though, it's been lost to me. I'm too busy "figuring out" life, deciding what to do, running from here to there, working, going to school, working out, sleeping, giving in...when all I really, truly need to do is sit at my piano and play. As my friend Christy said, "lyrical thoughts are her words." It's the truth. I think in song, and when i sit at my piano every emotion, every ounce of anger and love and hate and peace and fear and insecurity and lust and joy and jealousy and laughter pours out onto the keys and I can start to heal. I can cope at my piano. It's never just another song for the radio; it's always a line from the heart.


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Lyrical thoughts are her words. Her thriving artistic mind is what makes it work. She’s been betrayed more than most, but remains truthful and that gives me hope. She’s mischievous in that fun loving sort of way. She likes new places but fears leaving old ones behind. Puts a smile on faces even though the thought wasn’t in mind. She is she with no apologies. Shes kind and warm. Shes my new friend. I hope she is with me till the end.
-- Christy Clarke, my dear friend.

Chemical party, lover, down

I have new neighbors!

Well, suppossedly I do. The house next to me sold, and there's a new name on the mailbox (Van Vreede. Not joking.) but there's not been a moving truck or anything. I don't know if they just have really rowdy teenagers who party ...alone... at the brand new house, or if it's been broken into, or what's up, but there's been some bizzzzzarre things happening over there.

Example one:
I'm sitting, watching Kardashians (as I am wont to do), and my dad is taking the fat lard that is my dog outside. He comes barrelling inside and is like JOSIE! There was just a car that came FLYING down the road and screeched into the Berthelson's driveway (that's the old neighbors). And some young guys just got out of the car and slunk into the house! I was like...ok...well go take the license plate number and stuff. So he did. Very weird.

Example two:
I was in my room, on my computer, surfing around and stuff, and i hear screaming. Coming from next door. AND THEN I HEAR 3 GUNSHOTS. I almost died, let me tell you. I was like WHAT THE HELL? But I looked outside and I didn't see any lights on or anything nextdoor, so I went to bed. I bury my head in the sand, I guess....

Example three:
Two nights ago, I'm minding my own business, texting Dan and talking to Leesha online, and all the sudden my room is full of smoke...pot-smoke...and I start having a chemical party by myself in my bedroom. Not on purpose. There was ONE light on in the house, and I could hear laughter...and I was semi-high. Uncool.

I sound like a creep going on about my neighbors (or lack-there-of) but my bedroom has two corner windows - one faces the backyard and one faces the house next to me. I happen to like my windows open at night, since my chair is in the corner and I go on the computer late at night and enjoy the breeze, etc etc and so on. I prefer to hear crickets and the music from the mexicans across the street...NOT be forced into a chemical party and made to listen to the sounds of the ghetto coming out of my upper-middle class suburban neighborhood. Call me crazy.

I've had a swollen tastebud on my tongue for like 3 days and it's really getting annoying. For real.

I'm DRAINED. All I want to do is go out and not worry about being home early enough to get to bed and be up again for SCHOOL in the morning. I'm SICK SICK SICK of school. I took a few days off next week, but...I'd like a few MONTHS off, please!

I have a current obsession, other than Kardashians. And no, it's not Living Lohan. That show is gay as hell.

It's Gavin DeGraw.

He is incredibly, totally, and absolutely yummy. I love how imperfect he is. And I love his voice. It's emotional. It's appealing. It's imperfect. I like imperfection - it reminds me that there's only One who is perfect.

Tomorrow I re-start my daily 3 mile trek. I really hate running. And walking. But I haul my ass out of bed at 5 am every morning and take the highroad to picture perfect health. Too bad I run, and hardly eat, and take diet supplements (what a joke) and STILL can't lose weight. Well, I mean, I've lost some weight but not enough. I need to lose like 700 lbs. Sheesh.

Rambling, rambling rambling...

Unimpressed, uninspired, and unnecessary.

Lately it's been tough, getting up, getting through, pressing on, living and loving and learning. Most days are tough to get through because my own mind plays tricks on me, and because my creativity has gone up in smoke since I'm too drained to cope. I went off Zoloft, was fine for 3 weeks, and then relapsed, MAJOR. So I'm 22 lbs lighter, but more anxious than ever.

Figures.

Nothing is better than sitting with friends, laughing in the darkness lit only by candles, drinking heavy red wine and sharing your inadequacies. Those are the friends who build you back up when you tear yourself down, that re-inspire you and re-instate your ambition and desire for laughter and love. Being uninspired is tricky. It hurts the heart, and the soul, and it leaves you empty. You feel used up. So I try to surround myself with the people who have an aura of inspiration; that's not to say that aura's are or aren't real, but people with a creative energy are compelled to each other. It's a fact.

People've gotten nastier, meaner. It's not ok to laugh at someone else's misfortune. It's not ok to say something that tears another down, just for the sake of tearing them down. It's not ok to point out the sawdust in your brother or sister's eye when you have a plank in your own. I'm completely unimpressed with the way we treat each other. It's ridiculous. Of course, I'm to blame for this unimpressive behaviour, as well, but I try my best to speak with good judgement and to love as I wish to be loved.I don't know if it pays off, but maybe I'll make a difference somewhere down the line.

This rambling is unnecessary, but it's truth hidden under cobwebs; life's been cold lately. Work's rough - I'm out of classes to teach until fall, and I'm making next to nothing in the salon. School's rougher - full time with no pay, how do you like that? Family's ok, but something's got to give. Friends? What friends? Who has time for friends, outside of texting and facebook? I certainly try and make time, as we all do, but the truth is I'd rather curl up on my bed and watch TV after a full 9 hour workday and working out and work at the YMCA than go out. How do I reinspire myself, refuel the embers that are burning out? What can I do? I have nothing to paint, nothing to write, nothing to sing.

Completely uninspired. Completely unimpressed. Completely unnecessary.

Finne.